hard at times...

Being alone is a hard thing at times. Everybody needs personal space but as is said excess of everything is bad.
I can easily keep myself occupied on weekdays. In fact I am generally short of time ‘coz I have my hands full with reading, TV, music & in near future cooking (trying my hand at it) will also be added to the list.
As I am beginning to settle down, I’ve already stopped calling most people on a regular basis. With some, too much of talking has already put me off. Just need my own space. Is staying on my own increasing the @ of ‘me-space’ I need…? It could just be another of my mood swings. But on weekends, the scenario changes completely. Since I don’t see anybody, not even myself coz I don’t use a mirror, I call up people… if I am not feeling lazy (of course that’ll be a miracle in its own right!)
Will I have issues adjusting with whoever I end up living with later in life…?
My mood swings are a Huge issue… will that person be able to handle it? I mean I still can’t for crying out loud! I surely am a difficult person to live with… I am saying so from personal experience ;-)
Punch line from today’s Grey’s Anatomy:
Nobody wants to be lonely & alone; everybody needs company; it’s easier to live alone than to die alone (but what if u didn’t realize just when u dropped dead!... agreed me trying to be funny sucks ;-) !)

The Perfect Lunch...

One of those perfect days, which I tend to have few. I woke up at ease, got ready at my own pace… a good start for a Sunday. Left home at noon for lunch at a friend’s place… he was cooking for me. I was planning to take a cake for him but as usual couldn’t find a bakery when I needed one. Anyways, he came to pick me up midway and then we went to his place. A small, nice & clean place… perfect for a bachelor living alone. The regular round of drinks… and then he started cooking… Pasta it was. He started from scratch by making the sauce. It was a nice feeling to see someone, more so a friend, cook a meal just for me. Guess its no big deal, but being the 1st male friend doing so, it was a good feeling. I can’t cook to even save my life and this guy was cooking like a pro. Accepted he has always had a thing for cooking, but still. He says its fun & a good timepass when u have practically nothing else to do but I still don’t have enough patience for it. I helped him out a bit in the kitchen as well… the regular stuff I do in ma’s kitchen. The talks revolved around the same most of the times. Then I became a mere spectator, just silently observing him cook… so absorbed that he had to explicitely tell me to stop doing it. In the process it became pretty evident that he is finicky not just about the food he eats, but also about cooking and doesn’t like a messy kitchen.
Now the 1st serving of Pasta was ready. It was good. The 2nd serving of experimental Pasta was also good. A nice lunch. Ofcourse then came the quintessential cuppa. The perfect lunch.
Time to leave… I don’t wanna but I just have to… 2 other friends are waiting up on me nearby. Said a quick bye and left. And then it all comes back flooding with a single thought… Why does the perfect guy always have to be so damn out of reach…? Why cant he like me in the same way as I used to…? the old and long forgotten feelings resurface in no time at all.
Then I meet the friends who had been waiting for me. And the feelings just escalate. They are real good friends of mine but… though I’ve had a weird history with one of them… and still feel at times that he still isn’t extremely comforatble around me even now when the water has totally passed under the bridge. Once again WHY is all I can ask myself with no answers at all…

The Irony of it all : I’ve always had a strong gut feeling that it would’ve never worked out between me & him. But then I never got the chance to really find it out either...

start of staying alone...

I am staying alone for the 1st time in the true sense today. I am in my new home (rented) with no one else to give me company – either human or virtual. The shifting was done yesterday evening. The rest of yesterday went in a jiffy as I was constantly on the phone from 7pm to half past midnight. Today also went pretty decent till 8pm. Thereafter it got a little lonely. Till then I was having a nice time and the thought of a room-mate wasn’t all that appealing. But it might not be that bad an idea after all.
I like this situation or scenario of being independent & dependent at the same time. Now I am more or less financially independent, staying on my own so can do anything I want – not that in the past month I’ve done anything different as such from all the years gone by. I am more dependent than ever on people now – my family & friends. As of now, I feel the need to constantly stay in touch with them, ask for advice on issues never faced before and majorly to feel secure and loved.